purekatherine

I believe I’ve written about this before, but I’m not going to bother looking for it now. You’ll understand why if you stay with me. People talk about how Mondays suck, but for me it’s always been Tuesday and today was no exception.

I didn’t think today was going to be so bad. I woke up on my own just before my alarm and already knew what I wanted to wear, so I got to lay in bed through a couple snooze cycles. I had just enough time to grab a Dr Pepper at the corner store and hop onto the bus rather than waiting 10 minutes in the cold, misty morning for the next one. I actually really liked the mist this morning as I walked from my stop to my office.

As I walked in, I realized that I was the full hour early for work instead of the 45 minutes I thought I was going to be. Yay for overtime without having to give up my evening! In that first hour of work I got a phone call from a guy in Spain and another from a guy in Ireland. Ireland is supposed to call me back tomorrow because I needed to do some research about his issue. I don’t know about you, but talking to guys with accents is a preferred way for me to start my day.

Then I had to start my regular work.

There’s a whole lot of crap happening with my regular duties at work, and they are sucking. Some of it is that I have dropped the ball in the past, some of it is that it really just sucks. The kind of sucks that means I couldn’t actually get much done today at all. The only positive was that things started to happen a little bit this afternoon, so this afternoon kind of flew by.

When I went home, the bus was stopped at the light as I was crossing the street. That was nice. It also wasn’t at all crowded! That was nice, since it meant that there were only a few people on the bus when I got up to head to the exit and forgot that the bus was about to turn.

Yes, I fell.

It hurt.

I banged up my knee pretty bad and I was embarrassed. But I could walk fine, so whatevs. And then the tears started on the walk to my apartment and I started to feel the feels. In that moment, all I could think was how much I would really like to just sit with some ice cream and watch a movie. I don’t have any ice cream right now though, nor do I have anyone to bring me ice cream.

So that was the closest I’ve felt in a while to the whole, “I don’t like being single” thing. Fun is not a way that I would describe that feeling.

When I got home I was able to take off my jeans and see that my knee was skinned bad enough to be bleeding slightly and as soon as I knew that, of course it hurt more. Why does that always happen?!

I had some spaghettio’s, which was helping until I spilled on my mostly white duvet. I don’t think that my Tide pen is going to be very effective there.

Eventually I decided to go get a Band-Aid to cover my knee in preparation for bed and I had to fashion something out of toilet paper because my biggest Band-Aids have adhesive on all sides of the little gauze pad thing and my scrape is slightly bigger than the whole thing is wide anyway.

Then I was feeling more feels, but I didn’t know how to put them into words in an attempt to share them, so I just yelled, “Fuck Tuesday,” put my MacGuyvered bandage on and started typing.

Wednesday, you better come with a sympathetic date. (The date part is set, don’t know about the sympathy yet.)

I’m seeing a lot of things lately about the kinds of things that make a father. If I were to believe all of these things, I might think that my dad it wrong. Not really because my dad doesn’t do stuff like fix anything that’s broken or toss a ball around, but because he has always done so much more.

While my mom is no slouch in the kitchen, my dad is the one I turn to for cooking advice because he’s always been the one who enjoyed being in the kitchen. Where is the mention of dads who cook awesome meals?

In all the mentions of things that dads fix, never once have I seen something like one of my first memories with my dad. I had this pastel flower dress and I was going to a birthday party in the spring or something like that, so this dress was perfect. Except that the buttons where these obnoxious puffy hearts that were almost impossible to get through the button holes. Which is why one of them was no longer attached as it should be. I have a very specific memory of my dad sewing that button on so I could wear the dress to the party.

He can’t have been the only dad to have done that.

He’s also the person who taught me to appreciate words. Not really because he was talking about how great the written language is all the time or anything like that, but because he taught my brothers and I that puns and wordplay is nothing but hilarious. I mean, how else would I know that the band Ricochet sings about a Dinosaur Kisser, Garth Brooks is Shaving and Daddy’s Hanes are soft and kind when I am crying? (Pretty sure only 3 people will understand that and since my brothers won’t be reading this, that sentence was just for my dad.)

My mom still rolls her eyes when two of more of her kids are around because we can’t help but get punny.

My dad is the first male feminist I knew.

Again, not because he talked about it, but because he genuinely believes that every person deserves to be treated equally. And he has never had any issue doing something simply because it’s within the scope of society’s gender roles for women. Mending buttons, cooking whatever, even buying tampons if I needed them, nothing that he would even think twice about.

That doesn’t even get into things like how he built me a bed and helped me paint the vintage dressers I found at the drop of a hat. I’ve got a couple more DIY projects coming up and I know that the moment I email him to explain them, they will be met with nothing but enthusiasm and questions about the details to make sure we get it right!

Thanks for not living up to the stereotype, Dad! Happy Fathers Day!

I deleted the Twitter and Facebook apps from my phone on June 2. It’s been a week since I’ve had mobile access to them and I haven’t signed onto Twitter in that time.

It started because I did the same with the OkCupid app a few days prior. I’d noticed that I was opening the app when I was bored, not when I actually wanted to check the site and I didn’t like that tethered feeling. So I deleted it and only checked the site after work. I still check it far too often from my laptop, but that’s a different issue.

Last Sunday it occurred to me that I was doing the same thing with the Twitter and FB apps. I didn’t miss the OkCupid app when I had deleted it, so I did the same thing with the other two.

I haven’t missed them. I haven’t actually logged into Twitter at all since then and it’s surprised me that I’m not going through any sort of withdrawal.

I am signing into FB, initially I was just observing, but I’ve started to comment on things again. Interestingly, I am using FB more than I used to, and I feel like I’m actually getting more out of it than I used to. Or maybe FB is just having a good week.

I’ve continued to check Instagram, but I haven’t posted anything to it, not that that’s terribly unusual.

I don’t know what I expected from this, I don’t know that I expected anything, since I never actually expected to do it, rather I just did it. I know that I am writing more though, and I’m thinking a lot about what kinds of things I share with social media and what role it will be playing in my life going forward.

Now that I’ve gone a week, I think I’m going to try the whole month of June without logging into Twitter. Like I said, I’m writing a lot more, which is a lot more important to me.

I don’t think that I will be posting what I’m writing this month. Instead I’d like to take a slower approach to my writing. Basically the opposite of what I’m doing with this post, which is writing quickly into the new post box on WordPress and then hitting publish.

I don’t know exactly what’s going to come from all of this, but I’m excited to find out!

On Friday I posted about the conversations that can start from things like changing a profile picture and how those conversations are what I believe will have a real impact on our journey to marriage equality. I mentioned that I’d recently had some success with that kind of conversation and today, with that person’s permission, I’d like to share an edited version of the message they sent me last week.

This person is a close family friend, so they know my brother well and my mom had some more direct conversations with them shortly after Proposition 8 passed in 2008.

Their words are bolded, I’ve added my own commentary.

I wrote this to Jeff and just wanted to pass this along to you so you know where I stand. Jeff is my gay brother who has been out since he was in middle school. Please don’t share on facebook or twitter but read below: Like I said, I got permission. While I wish that this was something this person was comfortable shouting from the rooftops, I understand why they are not and I actually believe that as their understanding grows, they may change their comfort level with that.

If prop 8 came back… I would vote for gay marriage. I read this in bed on Wednesday morning and this is how early on I started tearing up.

I want to tell you that I never have, and never will think less of you or different of you because you are gay. I don’t think it is a choice if you are truly gay. This was slight news to me, though I wasn’t 100% sure of it before. I want you to know I love you just the way you are and want you and Michael to be happy and I think you guys are great together. That part I did know, this person has an amazing capacity to love. (Also, Michael is my brother’s fiance.)

Here are some things that I have concluded when looking very very closely at this. Marriage is marriage no matter who you Marry. From a Christian stand point I think Jesus would not keep you from Marrying either. If I want to get married under God then that is my right because I am exercising my religious freedom by getting married under God. Just because someone does not believe that same thing doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get married… I get this now. More tears I am glad I actually looked at this intensely at what I believe because most Christians really do think that they should vote against it, and it’s because they really aren’t looking at the whole, they are looking out of context. This is pretty similar to how I feel, in that I don’t think people are removing their faith from other people’s lives.

OK regardless of all that stuff… I just wanted you to know how I got to my change of heart. BUT even before I got to this point I NEVER EVER thought less of you or bad on you or anything negative. I have always loved you. I think this is an important part. This person really never has treated my brother any differently and it’s important to remember that even when someone is against gay marriage, they shouldn’t be flat out treated like someone who hates all gay people.

I am not posting anything about gay marriage or equality stuff because I don’t want to be lumped in to any group… I got lumped into the H8 group when I NEVER EVER hated anyone and I don’t want people to lump me into any stereo type period… This is true, while I believe that denying people the right to marry has an inherent aspect of hate in it, I do think that to be open in conversation we have to remember that it may nor really be quite that, even if I don’t know how to explain it. I think my reasons can be very different from other people so I am just staying out of all this social media potential arguments, if people ask I am an open book but not on social networking. Knowing this person and the people that surround them, I understand that engaging in conversations on social media would not really be productive, and I totally respect that. What matters more is what they would do on the ballot anyway, and I know that if someone were to ask them about it specifically, this person would discuss it openly. I did think I should tell you because it is important to me that you know, because I think you deserve it.

I really hope everything came out like I wanted it to.

I think it came out like they wanted it to. This was a beautiful start to my day and it not only encourages me to keep having open conversations, but also be more careful about those conversations. I had been very harsh with this person 4 years ago and while I think being honest about my views helped this person come to their new view, I think it could probably have been an easier transition for both of us if I had been more accepting myself. I also know that this person had a lot more in their life about marriage equality than just my opinion, which is why an open conversation would have been better than anger.

When someone is being told that they are wrong, it is in most people’s nature to get defensive and I should have kept that in mind earlier on. Had I to do it over again, this person has taught me that I would probably go about it differently. I hope that everyone else who is encountering people like this friend are having these conversations and I hope that you’re having them in effective ways. I’m very proud of this person for not only examining their beliefs, but also admitting when they’ve realized that they were wrong before.

I am extremely proud to call this person my sister in law.

I have to admit that I was pretty surprised when so many people on Facebook changed their profile pictures on Tuesday to indicate their support for marriage equality. I thought that we had become relatively bitter and most people would think something along the lines of, “Meh, what does it matter?” But then my feed became overcome with red and I found a lot of reasons to smile on the nerve-wracking day that the Supreme Court of the United States of America heard arguments in a case that means a great deal to me.

While there were so many people who did change their picture, there were also a handful who were mocking. Not only internally saying that it wouldn’t matter if they changed their profile, but openly asking why anyone else was bothering, it’s not like SCOTUS justices are checking Facebook to see how many profile pictures were changed before making their ruling. And on that front they are correct. But I don’t think that anyone who changed their profile thought that it had any impact on the case. That wasn’t the point.

A friend shared the status of her friend on FB that I think puts one part of the point really well.
Some of you need to understand something. I, along with many others, did not change my profile photo today with the misguided belief that doing so would somehow “change the world”. I changed my photo today to express my personal opinion and belief, and to show my UNWAVERING support for my many gay and lesbian friends. It is no different than wearing pink in October, but no one questions that. Your pink shirt or pink ribbon will not magically find a cure for breast cancer. But what it DOES do, is it lets every patient and survivor know that you care for and support their cause, their fight. And with my red shirt and red profile photo today, that is the message I intend to send: “Hey friend, I’ve got your back.”

In addition to her point, I’d like to say that it’s akin to wearing your favorite team’s colors on the day of a big game. Does anyone really think that wearing something will have an impact on the outcome of the game? No. What it does is create a sense of community. When I see someone wearing Giants’ paraphernalia in Chicago for instance, I can’t help but smile and feel a little more confident in my boys (even if it is only Spring Training until this weekend). It’s also a great way to start a conversation. When I see someone with that beautiful orange SF on, it’s not so hard to ask them if they’re a fan because they’re from San Francisco or for some other reason. From there the conversation is free to wander.

It works similarly with the change in my profile picture.

One of the reasons that I am open about the way that I feel about marriage equality is that I know that strong public support is what is really going to make this happen, no matter what I know the courts should do. Sometimes I get a little to impassioned, but I really try to show that I care about this issue in a way that shows that I’m open to conversation.

A cousin of mine in high school asked about my picture on Tuesday and I was able to tell her that it’s to show my support for marriage equality. While it didn’t get into anything serious, if that conversation were to happen in person, it could easily delve deeper.

The conversation doesn’t always have to be an actual interaction between people either. I relatively regularly post things on FB that explain the legal and social reasons that I believe in marriage equality. While I don’t pretend that I’ve never made fun of the opposition, I do try to stay away from the cruel comments. I feel like just posting the positive sides is in its own way a form of conversation.

And I’ve had some success with that kind of conversation recently.

You only live once.

A phrase that has come to haunt many people on and off the internet. Thanks to The Motto by Drake and the meme that followed, if you’re on the internet with any regularity or you know a handful of college-aged youth, you’ve probably heard the phrase at least a few times in the past several months.

It’s often used as a way to justify doing stupid things with the reasoning that one might as well do it now, “because YOLO!”

As someone who is over 22 and not into the greek scene much at all, I can’t say that I really like the way that it’s used to justify stupidity, but I do like it when people think about it a little differently than that. I like it when people think along the lines of, “I’m going to treat myself to that delicious, calorie-packed meal, because YOLO!” I mean, how great is it to see someone really enjoying life, even in just a few bites of a really delicious meal? If you only live once, you should let yourself enjoy it in any way that is right for you.

I also believe that it means you shouldn’t let an opportunity to do something that you want to do pass just because you’re being lazy about it. That’s why I got off my ass last night.

Last night my friend Caryn was in town. She and I didn’t see each other a whole lot while we lived in the same city, and then a month ago she moved to DC. We met online, so we knew we’d talk just as we always do, and we’ll see each other when we both go to Bloggers in Sin City this May, but it was still a bummer to have one fewer friend in Chicago. So last night, when I wasn’t really feeling up to going out, I decided that I was going to do it anyway.

Because YOLO.

Meaning that I didn’t really want to go out, but I did want Caryn to know that her friendship means a lot to me. Even though she and I aren’t super close, I know that she’s a fierce supporter of people doing what they believe in, and I need as much of that in my life as I can get. I wanted her to see that I care and I miss her. Sure, I could say these things to her, but that’s just not the same as going and being around her. So I went out and I’m really glad that I did.

Not only did I get to spend time with Caryn, I reminded myself that skipping a few hours of sleep is totally worth it to spend time with friends I don’t see all the time. There nothing wrong with staying in, for any reason really, but I stay in more nights than I go out, and this time I was reminded that even just being there shows someone that I care more than any text of apology ever could.

This is alsy why I decided that even though it’s going to be crazy to go from California one week, back to working in Chicago the next week and then driving to Ohio that weekend, I’m going to my cousin’s wedding in July. I haven’t seen this cousin in several years and I don’t have the easiest schedule to make it happen when something like a wedding isn’t involved. But YOLO!

Now excuse me, if you would, but it’s Sandra‘s birthday and I need to make a phone call instead of a text or tweet. After all, YOLO.

A couple weeks ago I wrote a pretty desperate post. You may have seen it linked on Twitter. It was titled, “I’m not happy.” I happened to be switching hosting that weekend and when everything got back up, through some miracle of fate, that post got lost in the transfer.

This is good, because while the title and the ultimate message of that post still hold true, it was not the post I should have written on the subject. It was desperate and fueled by an overly emotional night. The kind of night that is fine for writing, but should never include the “Publish” button, even if the post is password protected.

I really appreciate everyone who asked for the password to that post. For those of you who asked after it was down, the gist of it is that I’m not happy and I don’t know what to do about it.

And it’s true.

I’m not happy.

And I don’t know what to do about it.

But it’s ok, I’ve found people I trust who have gone through their own versions of what I’m going through and I have support in trying to figure out what it is that I need to do about it. Or in reality, I have support to get me to the point that I am ready to actually do the things I already know I should be doing.

There are things missing in my life and I don’t know how to go about getting them. And it is painful any time that I start to think that I might be getting somewhere, because it has always blown up for me again shortly thereafter.

There have been some very dark nights and some very dark thoughts in my head in recent weeks. I am fortunate enough that the love I feel for and from some very special friends will always be enough to stop those thoughts before they turn into any kind of planning.

I know that I have more of those nights ahead.

I also know that I have people in my corner, ready to step in an give me a rest when fighting some of my demons is just a little too rough for me. These other people can’t fight those demons for me, but they can revive me and remind me that it’s worth fighting them back. That’s a reminder that I think a lot of people need more often than they get.

It’s good to at least know that I have that. I think it’s a really good first step.

Not being happy is kind of a weird thing, because it’s not always something that you want have the motivation to actually change. But knowing that those people are in my corner, that’s enough to see me through until I’ve found step two.

There’s no two ways around it. Dating sucks. It’s also wonderful and exciting and all that jazz, but really it sucks a lot too.

For a few weeks in January I was texting a guy I met on OkCupid. He works nights in a Chicago suburb, so it wasn’t exactly easy to figure out when we would get together, but we made some plans for dinner last Sunday. Now, when I say that we had been texting, that probably undersells it a bit. We had just about opposite schedules, so we tended to call and wake each other up most days. I’m not a morning person, but I willingly talked to him most mornings because I enjoyed conversing with him and knew that I couldn’t just text him after work like I could usually.

The night before we were meeting up, I asked what time he wanted to meet. The next day the most specific I got was, “dinner time.” He then fell asleep and slept through any time that I would have had dinner.

I’m not actually as mad as I would be, since he’s got the whole working nights thing, but it would have been nice for him to recognize that maybe we should’ve met for brunch instead. I told him that our opposing schedules were too much for me and to let me know when the daytime job that he’s looking for comes through.

I had pretty much decided that dating sucks and I didn’t really want to bother with finding someone else on OkCupid to disappoint me.

So of course you know that I found someone else that night who interested me enough that I decided to write to him, which isn’t something I do often. It’s been a fantastic exchange of messages and texts since then and we’ve even already met for some drinks!

Why is this called “Dating Sucks,” then? Well because I met him on Thursday, and not being a fan of football at all I had no interest in finding a way to have him invite me to his Superbowl party, nor did I have much interest in going to a different one this weekend. So this weekend I’ve wanted nothing more than to text him non-stop to get his sarcastic responses, but he’s been busy either prepping or having his party.

It’s a mild form of torture, trying to not have my fingers navigate to the conversation with him on my phone. It’s torturous enough that it drove me to blog! So I say again, dating sucks.

But I really want to see if it will go somewhere with this one.

In talking to a new blog friend yesterday over gchat, the idea of clutter on the internet came up.

I had never thought of it that way, but as soon as Casey asked why there was so much clutter online, I knew exactly what he meant and I had to admit that I had no idea. I also admitted that because I consume a decent amount of stuff that doesn’t have much of a purpose or isn’t of the highest quality, well, I tend to create that stuff as well.

Casey then pointed out that as long as I’m striving to improve, I’m headed in the right direction, but I don’t know that I can actually say that I am always – maybe even ever – striving for improvement. I feel like a lot of the stuff that I put out into the digital atmosphere is really put out there just to put it out there.

Wow, my iPhone just killed it with the shuffle selection. Just as I was about to explain that I don’t know exactly what to do or where to go from here, Ben Jelen’s “Where Do We Go” started playing.

Sure, the song is about a relationship, but the way that I used to write and create was a much more committed and romantic thing than it has been recently. In the past few years I have let other things get in the way. I don’t write like I used to, I don’t consume like I used to and I’m much more preoccupied with what I can get out of something than I’d like to be.

So just like when I’m at the crossroads of a relationship with huge question marks, I’m asking myself where it is that I’m going. I see two real options here if anything is going to change.

1. I can just walk away and give up the idea of being any kind of content creator.

2. I can recommit and really take a look at what I want to get out of this and start participating in ways that will net me that reward.

By nature of the fact that I am writing this post at all, I think it’s relatively obvious which one I’m going with. It also happens to be what I go with about 8/9 times that I’m faced with this in relationships, but that’s a completely different story.

Good on you again, shuffle. Hanson’s “Voice in the Chorus” isn’t as applicable, but reminding me of that phrase definitely reminds me that it’s something I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be part of a group with a singular message, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s not exactly for me. I would love to be a part of a community in which people have an idea of what to expect from me, but don’t know exactly how that will manifest.

I don’t know how exactly this renewed commitment is going to come about, but I’m looking forward to finding out.

Do you tend to cut ties or recommit, or do you not have a pattern? Is there something that you’ve recently made a new commitment to? How did you go about that?

…Almost enough to pack up all my stuff and move back.