This is a hard one to write. Mostly because I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea, so please bear with me. Also, I’m going to steal some happy pictures to mix it up in here because this is way more of a downer post than I like to share.
I learned something big about myself when I went to Las Vegas last weekend. Something that I’ve realized a few times before, but it’s never really stuck the way I hope it will now.
I’m hesitant to tell this story because I’m not at all convinced that I can tell it in a way that makes any sense to anyone but myself, but I think it’s a story I need to get out of my own head.
I broke down in Vegas.
Like really bad. Bawling in the hotel room by myself praying that my roommate wouldn’t come back because I couldn’t explain it externally but not strong enough to turn to the person on the trip who I knew I could talk to because she was already in bed. I know now that I could have talked to anyone on the trip, but in that moment I couldn’t see that. Also, I didn’t want to wake anyone up.
I direct messaged one girl who had just tweeted and I hoped was still awake. I love her for responding even though she was headed to bed, and even more for not asking about it in the morning. She probably doesn’t even remember the exchange now, but the fact that she responded at all definitely helped.
The breakdown started when we were all at PURE. I couldn’t find a guy there to make out with like I’d intended, and my knee and feet were hurting. I was in love with Katelin for agreeing to go upstairs with me. I was in some serious pain and I really just didn’t want to go up alone. My pain made me ridiculously boring though, so when Nicole and Ashley agreed that they’d be cool to head to somewhere not clubby, I was very happy. Katelin stayed for a little longer and I hope she had fun!
The first hint of tears came on the walk back to the Flamingo. I tried to kind of keep it just between Nicole and I that I needed to stay active until I was ready to pass out or I would end up crying. I immediately regretted saying anything, because I couldn’t hold them back once someone else knew that they might come. Nicole and Ashley were awesome though in being super supportive, both of the reasons that I was crying and the fact that I didn’t want to cry anymore.
So upstairs we went. It was time to get into more comfortable clothes and check out what kind of damage we could do on the slots. Before the tears, I was totes down to do this in pajamas. Post tears though, the skinny jeans and heels were making an appearance. The night wasn’t over, who said I couldn’t find a boy in the casino to hit on me? Or maybe even convince me to go somewhere else where I would want to be more presentable than the booty shorts I wore to bed on the trip. (Thinking back, the booty shorts might have been a better option for that making out thing.)
My roommate was actually in the room, which was good because it meant that a few others came to join us to hang out for a little while before we headed back down to the casino.
Playing the slots was fun, though someone has a very pokey excited finger. (No bruise, and now I’m totes missing that finger. Also the winning that was coming with it!) I was up about $45/50 bucks for the night, which would have been about breaking even for the weekend, when I should have gone up and gone to bed. But if you read my last post, you already know that I don’t trust my gut on these things, so I stayed. My mood spiraled pretty quickly, though I hope that I was doing a decent job of hiding that, though I really don’t know if I was.
I went upstairs and had the full on breakdown. The kind of breakdown in which I knew that I wouldn’t want to get up in the morning, so I forced myself to pack as much as I could so I could sleep in the morning instead. The entire time I was crying. Mostly because I felt really alone and I felt that it was something I couldn’t do anything about either.
I often feel left out of things, like no one cares if I’m there. The last year or so of my life has included more of this feeling than ever before. I really don’t understand it, I don’t hear about things until after they happen or right before so I can’t go anyway. When I am places, I sometimes feel like I disappear and I might as well not be there anyway. It’s not so fun. What’s weird about feeling that way in my hotel room in Vegas though, is that I was invited to things that weekend, and people did notice me.
Even though there were smaller groups within the large group, at no time did I feel that I couldn’t hang out with any of those smaller groups. So pretty much, this was me feeling rejected by a bunch of guys I didn’t want at PURE, and projecting my feelings from the last year onto this group of amazing people who don’t deserve that at all.
Why do I get this feeling in such an awesome group? Because I’m lame. I have this desire to be sought out, to know that it’s not just appreciated that I’m there, but that I’m wanted there when I’m not.
Why couldn’t I have focused on the lunches and brunches that I was invited to? Or the texts from my roommate and other friends when we were doing different things, asking where I was? What about that awesome new friend who stopped by your slot machine and leaned in to tell you she thought you looked beautiful that night? Hello Katherine! Those are things that indicate that people want you around! Not only that, but even if you don’t interact with them, they are noticing you!
Also, the times that people went and did things that I wasn’t explicitly invited to? Totes nothing wrong with that. If I’d wanted to go, I should have made that clear. I should have been seeking people out as well.
This is the kind of thing that seems to work just like chivalry, which I don’t believe I can expect if I’m not also willing to give. This is why I will probably hold the door open for you if you I get there first (or go through a non-spinning one with you in solidarity).
I really can’t wait to go back again next year and show all of the awesome people who are there what it’s really like to hang out with me. I’m pretty sure that the times people did see me, they didn’t get that I wasn’t so happy. Especially since when I was around everyone I was happy! But I definitely didn’t see anyone nearly enough.
That’s going to change, and I hope that it’s going to change before BiSC 2012. I’m coming to see all you awesome people, whether you invite me or not!