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Shadow Boy

Indifferent

I’ve been sitting on the couch, trying to figure out what to write about for at least half an hour while watching the season premiere of America’s Next Top Model. As much as I have loved Tyra, I don’t exactly think of her as the most inspiring of people, yet it was a line that she said that struck a chord and reminded me of something I wanted to write about on Tuesday.

“The opposite of love isn’t hate. The opposite of love is indifference.”

This isn’t the first time that I’ve come across this idea, but it was just perfect for what just happened in my head and in my heart.

On Tuesday I had the kind of day that upon reflection at the end of the night, I realized right away that it was just the perfect day for final processing of a relatively recent event.

I said in one of my VEDA videos that I would always love my ex. That is no longer the case.

Some contact that has been made recently briefly allowed me the hate that I never thought I could have for my ex. As soon as that happened, I took the advice of a really good friend and decided to “brush it off and move on…and be [me].”

I didn’t realize until Tuesday when I saw someone who knows him that I had become indifferent. I had no problem talking to this person and just saying hello. I also didn’t care that I really didn’t look good. (You know you always want to look good when you run into an ex’s friend.) Later I met someone who had a connection to him, and while me of even, say, 6 months ago might have said something, I really didn’t. A friend who was with me wanted elaboration on something mentioned and I told her that I would tell her over coffee if she really wanted details.

I really just didn’t care. It took me another hour or two to realize how much my ex had even infiltrated my day, which for me is a huge sign of indifference.

Lying in bed that night I thought about writing the next day about how it had just been a great night and I loved the realization. When I sat down to write yesterday though, I didn’t think of it at all. Nor had I thought about it at work.

I’ve even walked away from this post several times and have to keep bringing myself back to it. It’s a story I want to tell, the topic is just pretty flat to me now.

I guess for the second time this week I get to write about growth.

Also, because I always love finding true irony, my ex told me that he knew he wouldn’t change my mind about him. If you don’t get that irony, please reread this post.

I need a ring.

The past nine months have not exactly been fun when it comes to emotions and having to deal with them and all.

Nine months ago I was absolutely, positively head over heels in love. I would have hopped a plane to Vegas had the idea been suggested, whether I had the money or not. All that really mattered to me was the man that I was with and the fact that I could do anything as long as he was by my side.

I was totally ready to marry this man.

He wasn’t the man he had tried to be while with me though. The story of the breakup is not one that I want to get into detail with here. For those who stuck through the months of not-so-me tweets and postings, thank you. The rest of you aren’t really here to read this, and I’m getting off my topic anyway.

Part of my troubles with getting back to myself is that during my relationship with Shadow Boy* I grew to a point in which I became ready for marriage. After the breakup, I was still ready to be married, but the person I wanted that to be with was not an option.

Dating isn’t exactly easy when you’re already in a place that you’re ready for a ring though, because it’s hard to just get to know someone slowly. I don’t know that I could possibly explain myself adequately, so I’ll settle for inadequate and vague! I know that I want to take time to get to know someone, but at the same time, I already want to be at that comfortable stage where sitting at home reading for homework or writing an essay is still awesome to be doing together.

It’s rather frustrating.

In some ways, The Professor and I were getting to that comfortable stage pretty easily, and I could see that happening with us both having so much homework if we were still seeing each other. (More on that later, I’m bummed but it’s ok.)

When thinking more about it, I realized that it’s not going to be easy to be ready to “settle down” while also trying to date. Dating is supposed to be adventurous and exciting, while the phrase, “settle down” is just the opposite of that. (That’s not to say that people who are married are not having adventures, in fact I know that to be the opposite!) While thinking about this at work the other day, I was struck with an idea.

I’m ready to be married, and I need to be taking care of myself right now.

So why don’t I just marry myself?

Stop laughing, I’m totes serious. (You can tell because I said, “totes.”)

I mentioned it to an awesome co-worker, and she totally understood without me having to explain. I think she might do the same, which is awesome because now I’ll have a non-couple to double date with! We’re actually going to check out Sacramento Magazine‘s 10 Best Cocktails and discuss life and such some time this week.

Perhaps after we do that I’ll be able to let you know a little more about what I mean with this whole marrying myself kind of thing!

*I know that I had changed his name, but considering how things turned out and why, I think I was right about him from the beginning.

Let me go on!

Watch the first 25 seconds or so of this video…

There’s a better quality one for the rest afterward!

If you’d like to jam out to some Violent Femmes and smile at Angela Chase’s silly dancing, continue with this!

This was my Tuesday.

It was less about the boy and more about myself though. I’m actually starting to forgive myself for some stupid things I did. I mean, if someone can’t see the hole that I’m in and that my decisions are clouded because of that, they don’t deserve to get me once the clouds clear.

That sucks for them, and for me. I mean, I’d love to be with the person who is going to help me find my way through the fog now that it’s so much thinner, but until then I’ve found out who the friends are who I want to show this unclouded me to!

Can you hear the horses?

Part of me hears a love song in this, but for me right now, it’s a recovery from love song.

In some ways this feeling is overdue. I actually think that it’s a relatively acceptable amount of time. I may write more about it later. I definitely have a longer post coming about my current feelings toward the once affectionately named Double Champ and before that, less affectionately Shadow Boy.

For now I will say something that is probably not expected.

He was right.

But really, tell me what you think. Is this a love song?

Happy New Year!

Whoa do I feel like I have a million things to say. The trouble is that I don’t seem to know how to share without over sharing. This has kept me quiet recently, but no longer!

I’ve been reading some amazing blogs lately by some really amazing ladies who are showing me that it’s ok to still be figuring some things out at 27.

At the risk of being cliche and whatnot, I’ve got some plans for the next 363 days or so. For the biggest things I want to do, I’ve been inspired by some of the best things that happened in my life in the previous 367 days…

I got a niece! Her name is McKayla and that would be her smiling just a few days ago while I was making silly noises. She also likes to give me weird looks when I say bless you after she sneezes. Perhaps one day I’ll post that video.

McKayla has this magical effect in which I want to be super awesome. Not only to be a great role model for her, but to definitely be the coolest of her aunts and uncles. I have to admit that if I just buck up and do the things that make me happy, there’s no way that I can not do that.

This is what I wore on New Year’s Eve and it was lots of fun. Please excuse the lack of having done my hair for the dressing room at Express. The inspiration that this conjures though is to build my wardrobe. I feel like I wear the same things all the time, which is ok for the most part, but I’d like to be able to mix it up when I’d like. Plus, you know, having a good party dress on hand is definitely something that could come in handy.

This would be the main accessory to my NYE dress. At least this is them in their transition from basic brown heels I found at Goodwill to turquoise glitter heels!!!

I’m not sure yet what all the projects will be yet, but I’m going make something new at least once a month this year. I’m hoping to start on a baby blanket this week. I should actually be able to finish it if I can get a few hours in, but Melinda and I may get distracted by an adorable (almost) 10 month old.

And this tall drink of water would be my other main accessory last Friday night. Valerie and I work together and hung out for the first time outside of work on New Year’s Eve. It was nothing short of awesome. Hanging out with a new friend is definitely in the top 2 ways I have ever spent New Year’s Eve. Especially if that myth that the way you spend NYE is indicative of the way that the rest of your year will go. I mean, hanging out with new friends is a pretty awesome way to do it right?

So I plan on doing that a bit more this year.

Seriously though, the first three hours of this year were the coolest. One awesome friend I’ve known for a while and one new one with In-n-Out burger!

(And yes, she’s wearing the heels I glittered because her shoes were not working for her at the end of the night. How many of you just picked up on the fact that my new friend and I wear the same size shoes? Bonus!)

Previous picture removed by request.

I fell in love with the kind of man I didn’t believe existed. Even better than that, he fell in love with me too! That hasn’t lasted through the year, but that’s ok.

The only inspiration I have from this is to remember that it’s possible and keep doing all the other things that make me happy.

I think McKayla will help with that last bit.

New Name!

Shadow Boy is getting a new name. It’s not the most anonymous name, as anyone who actually knows him will probably figure it out in .7 seconds, but SB just has a negative vibe to it, whereas Double Champ does not. So, for the two of you who know him, could I be a little more obvious?

After the walk in the rain on Wednesday night he kissed me, and then he hung out with me and some friends at my place on Thursday. He kissed me that night too, after I got rid of the last friend rather hastily. Friday night there was the usual hanging out at Hangar 17 followed by food at my place and some more kissing, and on Saturday he actually stayed over, but only because it was so damn cold! Last night he accompanied me to Safeway to get some food for studying, and he’s on his way over now to hang out for a bit before I kick him out to write a paper.

He’s definitely way more into me than I am him, but I’m going with it for now and seeing how it goes. Hopefully it doesn’t end in flames.