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Stupid Jello

I don’t know if you noticed the post on Tuesday but, I’ve had someone keeping me up late at night. That post was super short because I was on the phone for more than five hours. I don’t even know what to think of that!

I woke up Wednesday morning with a weird feeling. It had been less than five hours since I spoke with this boy, and yet I was wondering what he was up to. Did he get out and get to work ok, or was he as tired as I was? Wait, really? It’s been less time since we talked than we were talking, and I have to stop myself from texting him right away.

You guys, I haven’t actually met this man yet.

I was talking to a friend about this yesterday, and I was pointing out that with the whole glitter shoes thing happening right now and the school thing (that I’ll write about tomorrow) hopefully happening soon, it isn’t exactly a good time for me to be falling for someone.

That friend is of course, pulling for me to be happy, and would like for me to move to Chicago, so naturally, as he put it, he prefers “the falling for some dude in chicago, since that provides [me] with extra motivation, plus you still get to be all jellowy inside.”

That brought up a whole other issue though.

I do not trust that “jellowy” feeling. And seriously, why should I? In my experience, those butterflies only lead to me getting hurt. There have been a couple of times that things ended ok, but there was still some burning before getting to ok.

That’s when Matt suggested something quite wise. “‪oh, don’t trust it.‬ just enjoy it.”

I didn’t have anything to say in response to that.

So that’s what I’m going to do.

It is kind of nice, even if I’m not getting much sleep.

An update on Intimidation

June is apparently the month of frustration for me. Even now, when I’ve gotten past the intimidation of the guy I mentioned a couple weeks ago, but there is other frustration coming from that source.

We’ve both done some things that I believe the other has read into in unintended ways. As far as I can tell though, I have done what I could to figure things out and get back on the same page. I don’t think that he’s done the same. I’m not really sure though because we haven’t had a lot of time one on one to talk about stuff.

I’m no longer intimidated by his smart and such, but I’m still just as intrigued and hopeful to be able to learn from him. At this point though, it seems that learning will be mostly platonic.

This is the first time that I have ever experienced this awkward time where there was a possibility of something, and then it seems that things aren’t going to happen but there’s still a decent level of communication and I don’t feel anxious about seeing him at dodgeball each week. Sure, I’ll have the weird knot in my stomach because the crush is still there, but I’m sure that will loosen each week, if not by the end of this week’s dodgeball night.

This isn’t how I thought that things would go. It’s not even the way that I’m wanting them to go. The thing is though, that I’ve done all that I can do. There’s no way that he can’t know that I like him. I mean, I’ve flat out told him that I like him. I’m pretty sure that he likes me too. I’ve put some pieces together for some reasons as to why he might not be taking action on this amazing chance acting on this mutual attraction, but to honor those excuses and wait around for him isn’t fair to me. I’m not going to do it.

Especially when there are other boys who are interested in me.

At the moment, I still want the intimidator, but he’s got to come after me now. I hope he doesn’t take too long.

I think I need to set the record straight

I posted on Monday about the boy I like being intimidating for really the first time in my life. Thank you so much for your support and the encouraging words that so many of you gave in response to the post. I don’t think that I was clear enough though.

I like that he intimidates me.

It would actually bore me a little bit if he didn’t. I don’t want to sound conceited in this, but whenever I’ve gone on a date with a guy and he’s seemed nervous (more often than not, thankyouverymuch), well I think I might actually understand that feeling a little bit better now.

It’s not that I’m shaking or showing any other external sign of being any more than mildly nervous, but I definitely am more concerned with whether or not this guy is impressed by what I’ve got to say. Concerned isn’t the right word, at least not in the way that most people will read that. Aware is probably better.

I will still talk to this gent on a date without hesitation, I’ll just be doing more nervous hair flipping than flirty. With a little luck, maybe I’ll be able to pass it off as flirty!

But really, this is a good thing folks. It might even be a sign that this guy is worth my time. The others I simply wasn’t impressed enough by (or I’ve known him since I was 11 and therefore it would be silly to be intimidated by him) for it to really last.

I have no idea what’s going to happen with this because I’ve never gone into a situation like this before, but I hope to at least have something to share with y’all along the way!

Intimidation.

I mentioned in a previous post that I’m dating again, and being the super analytical, introspective person that I am, I’ve thought a lot about it and realized something about how my tastes have changed, or maybe it’s my expectations that have evolved, since that big ol’ life altering break up last year.

I really am dating men now.*

What I mean is that I’ve gone from dating boys who have great ideas and plans, to guys who are putting those ideas and plans into action. The Professor was the first in what I hope will become a trend. An as yet unnamed (but I hope he will be featured a bit more) guy definitely has a leg up on The Professor even, who is currently working on his Ph.D. in English.

It’s a whole different ball game to be interacting with guys who are driven. It’s good for me, though it’s also terribly intimidating.

The current mystery guy is way too smart for me and actually like, does things with his life and has things to talk about that I don’t understand. Oh, and he holds baby bears. I really wish I could post that picture for you all. (For the record, there is one picture of him on this blog, posted less than a week ago.)

I’ve dated smart guys before, but never anyone I couldn’t handle, and only one who was ever putting his smarts to use. (Do you read my blog Daren? You don’t fit the mold that I’ve been talking about, you’re the one putting them to use.)

It’s the intimidation that I’m feeling with just the thought of dating this guy that’s made me look back and realize that usually the guys I date have great ideas that they are sitting on. The Ex (as in THE ex) was a huge perpetrator of this offense. He had great ideas. Ideas that I loved, ideas that helped me to fall in love with him. Very few of these did he actually do anything about though. While a part of me hopes that, that changes as he finds relationships that suit him better, there’s a big enough part of me that knows better and isn’t terribly bothered by the fact that he doesn’t put much effort into his life.

I now remember being so frustrated when I knew that he wanted to do things like write, but he never wrote. This is not something that I would like to repeat in the future.

When I’m around guy, and people in general, who are like that, I tend to be like that too. I’ve gotten to know some really awesome and driven people through this wonderful world of the interwebs though, and I totally need to join their ranks.

This intimidating guy (I guess he’s got a temporary name) has an awesome job, and he’s doing things and he talks about stuff that I don’t know about. All of which are things that only make me want to know him more.

I like when I can learn something from the guy I’m with, or even just from friends that I know and I’m really hoping that this guy is willing to take the time to explain some things to me, because right now I’m having a hard time pretending to know about the current stuff he brings up. I’m a little proud of myself that I’ve admitted a bit when he’s talking about things I’m not familiar with, but I hope that I can pick it up quick!

Do you ever experience this? Do you tend to be the smart one in your relationships?

*Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t actually believe that true men exist, but that’s a totally different post.

I like the butterflies

I’m dating again. I mean, I know I’ve been doing the online dating thing for a few months now, but honestly, I wasn’t really ready to be dating when I started that, and for the most part I have not been too impressed with the guys on there.* There was The Professor, and I guess what we did was date, but not only did that not work out, it was kind of rushed and really just a mini relationship. Very little courtship was involved.

I like courtship. I like it quite a bit actually. I like the practice of getting to know someone, and intentionally dressing up to see him, even if we’re just sitting on the couch watching tv. I like playing that game where I pretend that I’m ok with paying for my portion of the meal.** I like flirty texts and wondering when I’ll get to see him again, though I don’t like having to try to figure that out. I like seeing him be a little nervous, but I always hope that goes away a bit by the end of our first meeting.

This is the part that I’m ready for again. It actually surprises me a little bit that I’m less than three months away from 28 and I haven’t experienced much of this courtship style of dating. I tend to jump right into the comfortable part.

While the comfortable part is great and all, the butterflies tend to disappear pretty quickly. I like the butterflies. Did I not mention that before? I actually have some butterflies right now while I sit in the park on a Wednesday (as in before dodgeball) writing this. There’s a chance (though I’m pretty sure it’s a small one now) that I will be seeing a boy tonight that I’m starting to like.

The thing about the courtship though, is that I’m not very good at my part. If I want to have a guy come after me, I have to let him actually come after me and not text or call him first. I tend to remember this only after I’ve already initiated a text conversation. I’m trying though, and I think I’m getting better with it. If the previously mentioned guy likes me too, perhaps I’ll find out how decent I am with the whole coy thing!***

Update before posting: Did see him, didn’t talk to him for what turns out to probably be silly reasons. Looks like I’ll be going direct with this boy. I’m ok with that, I’m good with direct. I just have to calm the butterflies a little bit.

*If you’re a guy who I have met who is on that site and you’re reading this, I promise you don’t qualify to be in the group mentioned here.

**For the record, I will never go somewhere that I can’t pay for, but I’ve got to be seriously into you if you ask me out, make me pay for my own meal and then we go out again; and I don’t recommend you use that as a test to see how much I like you.

***Nah, I already know I’m not good with it. That’s why I jump to comfortable, that’s what I know!

Sorry for all the butterfly talk Ashley, I promise there are no actual butterflies involved in the process.

Give it a ponder

I drank more than I had intended to last night after dodgeball, so today’s post is actually a link!

Jenn posted this link on tumblr today.

Eliza Sayers, age 10 is my hero for the day. I’m bookmarking this editorial as a reminder for myself to not accept this kind of mediocrity in thinking from boys, no matter how old.

Also, I’m totes with her on most of her points in her first post. I liked dolls when I was younger, not a huge fan now. I have learned to like pink, and I think I’ve always like purple though.

And y’all should know that I like me some glitter!

I totally want to make this girl some blue or green glitter shoes. Should she (or her mother) come across this, leave a comment and I’ll make sure to get some to you!

The Professor or Mr. Hyperbole?

It’s almost 3:30 in the morning. I got off the phone about an hour and a half ago and I haven’t had any caffeine today, but I’m still awake.

Why?

Because I would like to let you know that the date I had tonight was fine, but neither of us is truly interested romantically. Fortunately for both of us we were really honest about it and we both have someone else that seems to have more potential for us.

I never really even got to use his nickname though! That name would be Target Dog, since he, you know, has a Target dog.

I’ve been talking a lot with a guy who is on spring break and out of town. It’s been kind of awesome and I really hope that our first meeting goes as well as our phone conversations. I’ve been having a rough time coming up with a blog name for him, though I actually asked him if he had any recommendations/preferences if I were to ever mention him. Tonight I came up with two!

He can either be The Professor or Mr. Hyperbole. No, he is not one of my professors. Do you really think that I would be posting about it publicly if he was? He is currently studying for his PhD in Literature at a local school though. Awesome, right? The hyperbole comes into play when he likes to talk about everything like it’s the best thing ever in the world. Totes normal, I know.

So, knowing nothing else about this guy, which is a better name to use?

The Professor or Mr. Hyperbole?